I stayed up all night last night battling my demons. Every emotion you could think of, I went through it. Sadness, anger, happiness, mischievousness, sorrow, flirtatious, and loneliness. My son would wake up every couple of hours to remind me to get my shit together. But once he fell back asleep, I was back to those oh so familiar feelings that I was dancing with minutes before.
Last night was especially daunting. I felt wrapped in a weighted blanket that was 10 degrees too warm (my room is very hot). I am battling a lot now that I am a new single mother. I recently withdrew from school for the second time, and I might not be able to go back. I am unemployed and constantly wonder where my next dollar will come from.
My mind is in a frenzy thinking about what could’ve been and what should’ve been. I start to cry. I sat there from 8PM to 7AM staring at the wall, the ceiling or anything that would stare back with a blank expression that I wouldn’t feel obligated to respond to. I kept asking myself, “What is my purpose?” “What is THE purpose?”. Asking out loud at times hoping someone in a void would give me the answer. I’d look at my baby from time to time and smile. Then cry. I feel as if I’ve failed him. As if I’ve failed myself. Nothing is going as planned.
I feel the heavy blanket getting heavier and more uncomfortable. I turn over on my stomach and open safari to google, “wsyv to combat depression as a mother”. I edit ways. I open tabs upon tabs and nothing is giving me an answer. One hour goes by, two hours go by. Now it’s almost daylight and I’m still trying to find sleep. My eyes feel like rocks are in them but my heart feels like I’ve ran a mile. I’ve cried all night and my ducts are dry. So now I’m in the numb phase of my emotions. If only… I can… Find… Sleep….
It’s 3PM my son is screaming for me to wake up because he’s offended by my alone time. I wake up feeling as empty as on old well. My mother wonders where I been all day, I tell her I’ve been asleep. I want to open up and tell her what I really want to say but I don’t feel like having that conversation.
This is the PG version of how I had been feeling that whole night. I just wanted to get it down somewhere.